Phony

I've been thinking a lot lately about truth... 

Don't worry, I'm not going to go into a philosophical discussion about 'what is truth?' I'm entirely too worn out for something like that.

Rather, what's been on my mind recently is how seldom we actually see truth. It's always so covered up or distorted now that we can never seem to sort out fact from lies, truth from fiction. I think it must have started with advertisers (blame everything on advertisements, right?), but over the years, it has somehow filtered into our way of life. I honestly believe that no one is completely honest - with others or with ourselves.

Now, I'm a fairly insightful person. If I know you well at all, I can usually tell if you're lying to me. However, I can't always figure out what it is that you're trying to cover up, which is why I seldom call you on it. I just make a mental note and move on. But even I can be duped - that's been made glaringly clear to me in the last few weeks.

People lie. They stretch. They omit. They distort. Sometimes it's in little, trivial, everyday conversation - "Yes, I do like that tie." "No, I didn't get that message." ...sometimes it's so much more personal - "No, I don't love you," "Yes, I'm ok." 

It's become a way of life. We hide behind our words, and sometimes we don't even realize what we're doing. We tack on a 'just kidding' after a slightly offensive comment so that we can't take too much heat for speaking our minds; we add a 'just wondering' coolly after throwing out a probing question, hoping that no one will realize our desperation behind the query; we say 'i don't know' after telling a story about which we certainly do know, just so we can get a reaction from someone else; and we throw out 'whatever, I really don't care' after we ask a question or make a suggestion when we very much do care.

Then, we cry and complain - whether outwardly or to ourselves - that no one knows us or that we're all alone. And hey, I'm counting myself in this pool as well. I remember plenty of times when I would feel so isolated and so cut off, sometimes even when I was sitting in the room with other close friends. So why did I feel that way? Because I was putting on a show. I didn't feel like I could be the real me. I felt like I was faking every smile, every word that came out of my mouth. 

So why did I do it? Why does everyone else do it?

Easy.

We're afraid.

Afraid of ridicule, afraid of confrontation, and - most of all - afraid of rejection. We're afraid that if we really lay it all out there, people - the most important people in our world, likely - won't like what they see. And then we'll be left all alone. But this time, we won't be able to blame it on the fact that no one knows the real us, that we're not able to be ourselves. This time, we'll know, without a doubt, that it was truly us that drove them away. We bared our souls, and were still abandoned. And knowing that is one of the most painful thing one can experience.

I, however, would like to pose a question. When we live inside these walls, are we really even living? Every person who sits there at night feeling utterly alone clearly isn't happy. I have to wonder if it's worth it. Now, I've certainly been in that place plenty of times where I think 'I would rather go through all of this half-dazed than feel the sting of rejection.' Trust me. I lived a few years like that. But, from that time and from times since, I've learned that it's better to know one way or the other, good or bad; pleasure or pain. I truly believe that wondering what could have been - or finding out years later that things very well could have happened, is a much more painful sensation than the possible initial letdown.

That's not to say it won't hurt to bear it all...but, unless there's any possibility that you've been living under a rock for the entirety of your life, I'm going to guess that you understand that life hurts. There's no way around that one. No matter how you shake it, you're going to experience pain. Which type - and how much - is up to you.

I can say that, when it comes to taking such horrifying risks like this, I've never heard anyone say 'I wish I hadn't done that.' I can't even begin to count the  times, however, that I've heard - my own thoughts included - 'I wish I had had the courage,' 'I wish I had gone for it,' 'I wish I had told them.'

We've all learned to guard ourselves over the course of our lives. We are scared and alone at times, no matter how happy and fulfilled we feel at others. But until we can learn to truly open up and show the world who we really are, those feelings of emptiness will never go away. And I honestly believe that the most important people in your life truly deserve to know the real you just as much as you deserve to be known.

And that's how it is.

Who Knew?

So for the past day and a half, I've been either in the car or in a hotel. We have traveled the ten hours of two-lane highway (sense my MAJOR irritation here) to come to Phoenix for a med school interview for Travis.

Truth be told, neither of us wanted to make this trip. We never really considered Arizona to be on the top of our list, we didn't want to spend 20+ hours in the car in three days, and didn't want to spend the money this trip would obviously cost us.


But, as you might've guessed, we quit our griping, and just came. And so far it's been extremely pleasant.

About three hours into our driving we realized we were going to be passing by Bryce Canyon by approximately 17 miles. For those who have been there before, you understand why we couldn't pass this up. So we detoured, paid $25 to spend 45 minutes in the park, and ran around the viewpoints like madmen trying to get pictures. And it was fabulous.

Then, to make up for the time loss (as we were still fully intending to make it to the Grand Canyon before nighfall), Katy drove about 15 miles over the speed limit on the - let me remind you again - two-lane highway the whole way there, so we arrived at the Grand Canyon around 4:45 (official sunset - 5:36). Again, we paid $25 for about 45 minutes. And again, it was amazing. This day probably included the best $50 I'd ever spent.

Then we get to our hotel at 9:45 at night, and I don't even need my sweatshirt. It's flippin Nov 8, almost 10 PM, and all I'm wearing is a t-shirt. I could so get used to this.

Our hotel's fabulous...although we are in a room for the disabled...which I almost got offended by until I saw how huge our bathroom was, which officially shut me up. I'm thinking I could hang out here for a few days.

So today we go swimming in an outdoor pool - again, I could really get used to this - and later, it rains. I swear the state of Arizona is trying to win me over - we all know I love the rain. And, quite possibly the best part, we watch The Dark Knight on pay-per-view. As in the best movie ever made. As in the movie I only got to see once in theatres on opening night and have been dying to have come to the dollar theatre ever since. And it was every bit as amazing as I remembered.

So, so far, for a trip that neither of us even wanted to go on, things are shaping up quite nicely. Arizona's certainly different than anything I'm used to, no questions there. The scenery is unique, even from dry Utah, but it's still beautiful in its own way.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow, as I still have a good portion of the day to continue finding reasons to like this place. But for now anyway, I'm happy we came. =D

And that's how it is.

The Two Simple Things You Can Do to Live by a Budget NOW

If you're one of the very few people out there who doesn't have to confine themselves to a budget...consider yourself immensely blessed.
For the rest of us, it seems like money is getting tighter and tighter, just as prices are going higher and higher (ha! Love the word play).
Regardless of whether you're limiting yourself to pennies a day or thousands a month, there are two ridiculously easy things you can do to make sure you stick to your self-imposed (or rather, finance-imposed) budget -

Ridiculously Simple Step #1:
Put your budget on the fridge (or any other place that you won't be able to avoid seeing it multiple times a day).
Trust me, if you actually see your budget every day, it'll be so much easier to keep to it. Whether you use a spreadsheet or a napkin (and if you are using something that's meant to wipe your greasy fingers on, by the way, I highly suggest upgrading to something a little more sophisticated) to keep track of your finances, visually accounting to yourself each and every day will greatly improve your odds of budget success. You won't be able to deny, or feign ignorance regarding, where your money's going and if you're not quite on target.

Ridiculously Simple Step #2:
Be sure you're using credit cards for convenience only, not as a cash advance.
If you're using your credit card, you should be doing it because it's easier than writing a check, or you don't have the cash on you - NOT because you don't actually have the money yet. I'll say that again: If you're using your credit card, you should be doing it because it's easier than writing a check, or you don't have the cash on you - NOT because you don't actually have the money yet. If you don't let yourself get sucked into using your credit card irresponsibly, you won't run into credit card debt.
The best piece of advice I've ever received regarding this simple (but for some people still too complicated) idea is this - when you use your credit card, go home and record your purchase on your budget sheet or your check register or whatever it is that you use. That way, as far as your budget is concerned, that money has already been spent. Then, three weeks later when the bill for your credit card comes, where is the money you owe? It's in your checking account. So you write out the actual check, pay off the credit card, and start the new month with a beautifully refreshing, and guilt-alleviating, clean slate.

And that's how it is.

Thank Heavens for "Dark Knight"

Ok, don't judge me -
I'm now joining the likely millions of fans who are going online to talk about the amazing film that is "The Dark Knight."
I'm not going to bore with mere plot summary...there are plenty other places you could go to get that information if you really wanted it (or rather, just go watch the show!). What I really want to express is my appreciation for and gratitude toward the minds behind this phenomenal show.
Now, I'm all for a fun summer blockbuster. I own all the Spidermans, the Pirates, and even Transformers (though that last one is largely because of my husband), and I enjoy them all. But as much as I love a good, fun movie, I've been getting tired lately of the near-mindless action movies that are all about blowing people up or swinging around buildings. The ones that leave you pumped up and wanting to try out your own Chuck Norris moves as you leave the theatre.
I've always appreciated movies that make you think or evoke some emotion from you...I feel like I get a lot more for the 2+ hours of my time that I just devoted to sitting down and watching the film...and my goodness, "Dark Knight" delivers exactly what I need.
A few years back when "Batman Begins" came into theatres, I went to see the movie with uneasy anticipation. I had never been a huge Batman fan (and I hadn't seen all of the earlier films), but reviews had been good and my friends wanted to go - ah, the unavoidable peer pressure factor.
I remember partway through the movie thinking, "Wow."
I loved where they had taken Batman. And I loved what Christian Bale was able to do with the role - to bring the many layers of Bruce Wayne to the forefront.
And now, with "Dark Knight," everything's been umphed. So much action, but with so much emotion driving it. So much impact, with such a message. And yes, one of the most amazing portrayals of a superhero "bad guy" I've ever seen. The high-strung tension throughout the film, and the undeniable squirminess you feel in your seat everytime the Joker comes on screen, is impossible to ignore. And an underlying message of the ability of even the purest symbol of good to so easily be tarnished...and the overwhelming need the general public has for that symbol....hits home for everyone in the theatre.
Thank heavens someone out there still wants us to feel something when we go to the theatre. Thank heavens for the minds behind, and the actors in front of, "The Dark Knight."

Lonely

I suppose I should be getting used to this...it's been a few weeks now. Travis has started working for the summer (for which I'm very grateful, might I add), and that leaves me home alone quite a bit (for which I'm not so grateful). It's a different sensation for me...up until now, if we were apart, it was always me that was away from home, since I was the one who was working. I was rarely ever in our apartment without Travis...now I'm here for several hours each day by myself, and I've got to adjust to that. I'm not used to the house being so quiet.

Like I said, I'm so grateful that Travis is working and providing for us; especially after our decision for me to stay at home and just do school. It's just...ugh...I miss him. I keep telling myself that it's good practice. After all, med school is just over a year away. I'll be home full-time then, and I'm sure this new school will keep him much busier than he is now. Then comes residency....I don't even want to think about that...

Travis is meant to be a doctor. There's no doubt in my mind about that. It's something he's so invested in, and is just perfect for. And he's got his priorities straight (for which I am eternally grateful)...family comes first for him. Knowing that keeps my heart at peace.
All that being said, I know we've got a seriously long haul ahead of us. It's something we're doing our best to prepare for, but how do you reall prepare for something like this when you've never experienced anything remotely like it?

'Tis another reason I'm so behind our decision for me to not work right now. This is our time to spend together as a couple. In a year, he'll be in med school and we'll likely be starting a family...and things will change. They will be wonderful and exciting things; but still changes. We want so much to take advantage of this time that we have together. *Mush alert* We love each other so much. I'm going to skip most of this because I don't want to sound cheesy or like I'm exaggerating (which, by the way, I'm not), but we are one of those couples that's truly just completely happy when we're together. We don't need anything else. We like to go out and do other things together too, sure, but we're completely content to just sit around with one another. I love that we have that kind of connection. And, I know, that's what's going to get us through these next few years, still smiling and in love.

And that's how it is.

Five A M

Need I say more?





...probably not the best time or way to initiate my latest creative outlet...I doubt I'll have any great epiphanies or write anything terribly clever...my mind's far too clouded for that.
So, I suppose, that means I'll have to keep it simple. Simple, I can handle...just tell it like it is (if you were looking for something more enthralling, stop reading now and go pick up Twilight).





Today is my last official day of work (skewed horribly by the fact that I've yet to receive one second of shut-eye). It's an interesting feeling...yet a welcome relief as well.


It has been an amazing five+ months since Travis and I got married. I couldn't have found a better man to build a home and a family with (more on that mushy subject in a later blog). That being said, it's been a pretty stressful five months for me as well. We moved into our new apartment the day before I returned to school full-time, and began my new part-time job. Combine all those things with learning to be a wife, and that's quite a handful. Throw in my on-again-off-again health (ugh), and forget about it! I've managed to complete the semester succesfully and get the work done that I needed too...but not in great health. And because of all these things, I feel like I haven't had the time to spend at home that I've wanted or the strength to be the wife that I've wanted to be. Don't get me wrong, I've worked on and in our home a great deal, and Travis' and my love truly deepens every day. We're so happy....but I want to make it even better(!).


It was with that realization a few weeks ago that we decided together that I should quit. I'm taking six credits on campus this summer, along with a total of eight independent study credits that need to be completed by October. That's enough of a commitment itself.

For me, Travis comes first. I want to be with him and be there for him any time he needs or wants me. In order for me to do that I also need to be in the best health I can be, which I can't if I'm just continuing to stretch myself so thin.


This is the right decision for us. As soon as it was made, a giant weight was lifted . I can go to school, do my homework, and then be home with my husband. I won't have to worry about other things. This change will better enable me to be the wife I want to be.
Combine that with the amazingly wonderful husband that I've already got, and I couldn't ask for more.





And that's how it is.