Don't worry, I'm not going to go into a philosophical discussion about 'what is truth?' I'm entirely too worn out for something like that.
Rather, what's been on my mind recently is how seldom we actually see truth. It's always so covered up or distorted now that we can never seem to sort out fact from lies, truth from fiction. I think it must have started with advertisers (blame everything on advertisements, right?), but over the years, it has somehow filtered into our way of life. I honestly believe that no one is completely honest - with others or with ourselves.
Now, I'm a fairly insightful person. If I know you well at all, I can usually tell if you're lying to me. However, I can't always figure out what it is that you're trying to cover up, which is why I seldom call you on it. I just make a mental note and move on. But even I can be duped - that's been made glaringly clear to me in the last few weeks.
People lie. They stretch. They omit. They distort. Sometimes it's in little, trivial, everyday conversation - "Yes, I do like that tie." "No, I didn't get that message." ...sometimes it's so much more personal - "No, I don't love you," "Yes, I'm ok."
It's become a way of life. We hide behind our words, and sometimes we don't even realize what we're doing. We tack on a 'just kidding' after a slightly offensive comment so that we can't take too much heat for speaking our minds; we add a 'just wondering' coolly after throwing out a probing question, hoping that no one will realize our desperation behind the query; we say 'i don't know' after telling a story about which we certainly do know, just so we can get a reaction from someone else; and we throw out 'whatever, I really don't care' after we ask a question or make a suggestion when we very much do care.
Then, we cry and complain - whether outwardly or to ourselves - that no one knows us or that we're all alone. And hey, I'm counting myself in this pool as well. I remember plenty of times when I would feel so isolated and so cut off, sometimes even when I was sitting in the room with other close friends. So why did I feel that way? Because I was putting on a show. I didn't feel like I could be the real me. I felt like I was faking every smile, every word that came out of my mouth.
So why did I do it? Why does everyone else do it?
Easy.
We're afraid.
Afraid of ridicule, afraid of confrontation, and - most of all - afraid of rejection. We're afraid that if we really lay it all out there, people - the most important people in our world, likely - won't like what they see. And then we'll be left all alone. But this time, we won't be able to blame it on the fact that no one knows the real us, that we're not able to be ourselves. This time, we'll know, without a doubt, that it was truly us that drove them away. We bared our souls, and were still abandoned. And knowing that is one of the most painful thing one can experience.
I, however, would like to pose a question. When we live inside these walls, are we really even living? Every person who sits there at night feeling utterly alone clearly isn't happy. I have to wonder if it's worth it. Now, I've certainly been in that place plenty of times where I think 'I would rather go through all of this half-dazed than feel the sting of rejection.' Trust me. I lived a few years like that. But, from that time and from times since, I've learned that it's better to know one way or the other, good or bad; pleasure or pain. I truly believe that wondering what could have been - or finding out years later that things very well could have happened, is a much more painful sensation than the possible initial letdown.
That's not to say it won't hurt to bear it all...but, unless there's any possibility that you've been living under a rock for the entirety of your life, I'm going to guess that you understand that life hurts. There's no way around that one. No matter how you shake it, you're going to experience pain. Which type - and how much - is up to you.
I can say that, when it comes to taking such horrifying risks like this, I've never heard anyone say 'I wish I hadn't done that.' I can't even begin to count the times, however, that I've heard - my own thoughts included - 'I wish I had had the courage,' 'I wish I had gone for it,' 'I wish I had told them.'
We've all learned to guard ourselves over the course of our lives. We are scared and alone at times, no matter how happy and fulfilled we feel at others. But until we can learn to truly open up and show the world who we really are, those feelings of emptiness will never go away. And I honestly believe that the most important people in your life truly deserve to know the real you just as much as you deserve to be known.
And that's how it is.
