chasing the happy

...here I am, 3:30 a.m. at my in-laws, laying on a recliner while everyone else is asleep. I've got Bourne in the dvd player, but I am just not feeling it. And I really want to blog, but I don't have anything important to write about...

So I get on facebook, the ruler of time-wasters that I am eternally addicted to. And pretty soon I come across something that inspires me to write.

Now, I'm really worried about some people taking this the wrong way. So please, hear me out.

I have a friend that has the following as the one and only quote listed under 'favorite quotations' on his profile:

"What do we do, now that we're happy?"

I've actually come across this quote of his a lot as I'm randomly stalking people on the social network, and it always makes me stop and think. Depending on my mood, I sometimes find this a very cynical way of looking at life...but mostly I find it a very provocative line of thought.

Again, please don't get me wrong. I believe that everyone should be happy. Not just sometime down the road, but right. now. If you're not happy, change something. One of the many reasons that we are on this earth and in this life is to find happiness....so find yours. You should always, always, ALWAYS, have happiness in your life.

My point perhaps is that, at least in my own personal experience and the experiences of my friends, even if in the overall scheme of your life, you're blissfully, overwhelmingly happy, there's always something that you might prefer to be a little bit....improved....in your life. Whether it's in relationships, personal or family goals, spiritual needs, financial aspects, career or educational ambitions, 'bucket list' fulfillments...there's always something that could be better.

Say it that way, and it sounds as though we're ungrateful for what we have. And there are certainly people out there that are. That's not how I prefer to see it, though. This is where my brain goes (and maybe I'm crazy, but you're reading this, so that means you're at least somewhat interested in my opinion):

Our lives are, in great part, overwhelmingly motivated by our desires to achieve the aforementioned goals that we have. ...Try to imagine your life if you literally, without exception, had every. single. thing. that you wanted. Maybe you think that'd be great. I think...I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Life is meant to bring us happiness. But it's not meant to be paradise. It certainly sounds wonderful to be satisfied in every aspect of your life, but then....what's the point? To continue to grow and develop as human beings, we need to be reaching for something, working at something, trying to become better people or doing better things. If we suddenly had every single thing that we wanted, we would become complacent, stagnant.

That's not a life I want, even if I dream of, well...all my dreams coming true. I'm of the opinion that it's very difficult (if not impossible) to be an outstanding person if you are a complacent one. And think about it: have you ever known someone who truly had everything they wanted (and reach beyond all the superficial things here. I, for one, have never known someone who wanted for nothing).

Throughout all the joys and triumphs of our lives (and especially through the trials and heartache), we should be continually striving for more. Not ungratefully, but hopefully, eagerly.

So what am I saying, that we should be enjoying the long, hard path to what we're searching for? Ideally, yes. But that is, in fact, an ideal. I think the more important factor is that we just recognize that we're not failing because we don't have everything, we don't do everything, we haven't achieved everything we wanted to. We should all have something to work toward. And hopefully we all have something that makes us extremely happy as we continue to reach for more of our dreams.

So I'll ask it again: "What do we do, now that we're happy?"

I'll let you know when I find out.

frustration

After seven long weeks I've finally been given the okay to slowly begin walking. And by slowly I mean something like this: With crutches, try walking with both legs for five minutes, three times a day. Then build up to 10 minutes each time. Then 15. Then try five minutes without my crutches....

This is good news! So why am I not happy? Siiiigh. I feel like I should be really excited or relieved that I'm making progress, that I should be thanking my lucky stars that I'm not going into the hospital four times a week for physical therapy (or that I was never staying in the hospital at all, for that matter). But I'm not.

Listening to my doctor recite my walking regimen, I could just feel myself get more and more discouraged. "Five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. Three times a day, four times a day, five times." I think my smile faltered a little with each increment.

I don't really know why - you'd think if I was going to be discouraged it would've been when I first fell and found out I wouldn't be able to walk. As I'm thinking about it now, I think I was so wrapped up in everything else that was going on (i.e. the fact that I still had two shows to put on in the next three days), that this whole not-walking thing took a backseat. I know that sounds crazy, and somewhat impossible for that to not be the center of my attention, but....you'll just have to trust me that it wasn't.

And then after the shows...I think the last seven weeks I've done a really good job of not wallowing in self-pity. I think it might be because I've known a lot of people who just blow their own problems way out of proportion and milk them for all the sympathy and perks they can get, and that always drives me crazy. I was determined not to be one of those people. So I tried to go about my day as normally as possible (which, really, became a completely different day than normal, but I still tried to function) and not broadcast my situation to anyone within earshot. I was happy to find I did a good job with that part when just yesterday a cousin of mine noticed on facebook that someone posted asking how I was doing, and she (the cousin) wondered what was going on. That made me smile. I don't know why, really. But I was not going to be one of those people complaining about all their problems on facebook, so I was pleased to know I had kept that promise to myself.

Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent. The people I have interacted with over the last several weeks have been so sympathetic and kind. And they always say "Oh, that must be so awful" or "How terrible, you must be miserable!" ...and I've always responded by just saying that it could have been so much worse. Which it could have, no question. But I think I was more just trying to deflect the question about how I was dealing with it.

Again, I think I've handled this really well. Being on 'bed rest' for three weeks. Sleeping in a recliner. Not being able to use my own bedroom or bathroom or desk. Not being able to drive. Going out in public in a wheelchair. Not to mention the pain. Which, now that I bring it up, was and continues to be intense. But that's not my point.

Maybe last week's experience at the theatre just wore my patience thin, maybe it's the fact that summer camp is only four weeks away but...I'm just done with it now. I guess I've worn out all my tolerance for this situation. Which is why, I suppose, now that I've actually got 'good news,' I'm nothing but irritated. Part of me wants to smack myself upside the head for being frustrated, but....I think I've just decided that at some point during this process, I'm entitled to be mad, and if I want to save it till the end, then that's completely fine. Heh. So that's what I'm doing!

I'll just hope that as I starting 'walking' and actually make some progress I'll get more encouraged. I think that's quite likely. It's also quite likely that I'll just be irritated that I can't run from the stage to the booth in ten seconds. Oh well....

But now, the real downside of being cleared to start walking?

No more motorized scooters at the stores. -_-

a busy week

This past week was a busy one for us! Now that I've been taken off bed rest, I've been trying to go out and about more often. Part of that included heading up to Des Moines to visit Travis's family (we haven't been able to see them since my fall). Of the last eight days, we spent four of them in Des Moines, and it was an awful lot of fun.

Part of our time up there consisted of redoing the family's living room! I had been asked by Travis's dad to spruce up/makeover the main floor of their house, and we started with the front room. We actually got all the work done while Travis's parents were out of town over the weekend, which put us on a REALLY tight deadline, but it was a lot of fun, and really rewarding. This wasn't a complete overhaul - no new furniture or decorations, but I still think it's a dramatic change and am really happy with the results (and more importantly - so is the family!). So, here are the before shots:

And....here are the after shots (with accompanying cute puppies....you'll see)....voila!

Pretty nice, eh? It's amazing what a fresh coat of paint and new drapes can do! Taking down the wallpaper was definitely the worst of the project, but it was all fun once we started painting. I did almost all of that too, which was really nice - it's not often nowadays that I'm able to feel really productive. I did a lot of it from my wheelchair and the rest by standing on one leg, supporting myself with my left arm and painting with my right. Ha! A little tricky but I managed! Clearing out some excess accessories and switching out some furniture pieces also made a HUGE difference. This was a lot of fun for me, and I'm looking forward to starting on a new room this weekend! Woooo!

And as if those intense two and a half days weren't enough, we saw Les Miserables in Omaha on Saturday! Omaha is a three hour drive (one way) for us, so couple that with 3+ hours in the theatre as well as the drive back, and you can imagine I was pretty uncomfortable....I also had an extremely negative experience with the theatre staff...you'd think they'd never had anyone in a wheelchair come to their venue before. All I wanted to do was find a restroom before the show started - we talked to three different ushers, none of whom knew where to send me and they kept shuffling me around. Finally they sent me to the basement to an "accessible" room....which had two pull-open doors - if I had been by myself I never would have been able to get in. Then when we entered the auditorium, there were stairs to get down to my seat. We had called ahead to make sure I would be able to access my seat, and we were assured it would be no problem. They were about to just stick me in my wheelchair way in the back, separate from my family, when they decided I could enter through a different door, wheel all the way down to the front by the stage, and then come back up to my seat. When we tried to go through that other door, we were almost denied access because it was getting close to starting time. And I was close to tears. I'm not sure I've ever been so frustrated and, quite frankly, humiliated (although I do realize that they're the ones who should feel badly, not me). I've never had a worse experience with customer service.

All that being said, the show was wonderful. The music is beautiful and all the actors did an incredible job. Even with the pain and nuisance, I'm very glad we went!

Now I'm just trying to recuperate before the next weekend! Things are starting to really pick up again - it hit me today that camp starts in exactly five weeks, which has me feeling quite overwhelmed (particularly because I'm still in a wheelchair). My last visit to the doctor left me really disappointed, but I'm getting another x-ray in a week, so I'm hoping for better news then. Fingers crossed! I can't be wheeling around the auditorium all summer long!