I feel like I have so much to say, and absolutely no clue how to say any of it.

Maybe that's why I never blog anymore.

candles

Last week I turned 24. I'm still having a hard time absorbing that. Cognitively, I know that 24 is still actually quite young, and that I have my whole life ahead of me. I guess my problem is, to be honest, I feel like I'm 19 or 20. Nevermind the fact that I'm married and I've been through college, etc etc. I do not feel 24. Maybe it's because I spend so much time around kids. Maybe it's because the last five or six years of my life have been so crazy that my brain hasn't really processed the time. I don't know. But the calendar says I'm 24, so I guess I'll believe it.

I am definitely not one to get worked up about birthdays. I think the last birthday party I had was when I was 13. I always do something fun or enjoyable on August 18, but I feel no compelling reason to 'celebrate' me. That being said, this year I did feel the drive to look back at my past birthdays:

One year ago: I hadn't ever broken a bone. I just completed my first season of camp. I didn't know whether I would have a year-round job.

Two years ago: We were living in Arizona (in a hotel actually). Ahhh, Arizona. We were in the midst of a very unsuccessful house hunt at the time, we only had one little puppy, and Travis was just starting at Midwestern.

Three years ago: Taking summer courses, getting ready to start our last year of college, just the two of us living in a small apartment with no air conditioning. Our first year of marriage.

Four years ago: My first birthday with Travis. I was working at Musco, living in my apartment in Osky. Travis and I had been dating all summer, but weren't engaged yet. Getting ready for a big change in our lives.

Five years ago: I was single and working at theatre camp, where I was directing my future camp counselors.

Ten years ago: Getting ready to start ninth grade. Nowadays that would be high school, but when I was in school, it was still junior high. Just a few months before my sweet puppy April passed away, before we moved to our new house, and before the illness that changed my life.

Fifteen years ago: Going into fourth grade. Just starting piano lessons, and taking up the violin. Two very influential decisions of my young life.

Twenty years ago: Splitting my day between Jack and Jill preschool and my mom's daycare. Life was good.

Twenty-four years ago: After years of hoping, John and Diane Ottosson welcomed a baby girl at St. Vincent's hospital in Indianapolis on Tuesday, August 18 at 12:12 p.m., after a grueling 14 hours in the hospital.

....yeah, now I feel old. =)

Wide-eyed wonder

Working with children all day (every day) has its obvious pros and cons. There are times when dealing with the younger ones is extremely tiring and frustrating ("Can you tie my shoe?" "Is it time for lunch yet?" "She cheated!" "Someone poked me!")....having 30 kids constantly talking to you like this gets overwhelming.

That being said, there are several of my kids that I love to pieces, and I know I'm going to be crying (or sobbing) at the end of this week when camp is over and I no longer get to see them everyday. ...like I said, pros and cons.

The things that come out of these kids' mouths are some of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. The kids that come through our program are so energetic and enthusiastic, and haven't yet learned the concept of thinking before they speak. I don't know if I've ever been so entertained.

I tell my counselors a lot that life is so much better after high school - which it is. The freedoms that come with 'adulthood' are wonderful, and I would never go back to high school. At the same time...I look around at these kids at camp and think....what I wouldn't give to be 10 years old. When meeting Justin Beiber is your life's dream (or Justin Timberlake, as was my case)...when your biggest concern in the world is whether the 11-year-old across the table told his friend that he thinks you're cute...when you fall down, get hurt and cry for two minutes, then jump right back up and start running around again...when you're so excited because you found a quarter on the floor and your director said you could keep it....

Everything they do is with this wide-eyed wonder. Even our older kids that have been doing this for a while...the happiness in them, their fun and their spirit and their light-hearted nature...it makes my heart swell and ache at the same time. They're not weighed down by jobs, debts, family troubles....and the pitfalls of life. They're just...light. Happy. Unburdened.

It's beautiful.

Maybe it's because they haven't actually experienced "life" yet. Maybe it's because they're too young to understand. ...I'm not sure. What will they be like when they grow up? I hope they're just as happy. Unfortunately, I think a lot of the time, we tell kids it's time to grow up, and what we mean is "get serious" "stop goofing off" "no more footloose and fancy free" etc etc.

But I think the only way we can deal with life [happily] is to not take it too seriously. How much happier would everyone be if we dealt with every trial, every debt, every demotion, the same way a seven-year-old deals with a scraped knee? ...cry about it for a minute, put on a bandaid and up you go! Within minutes it's all but forgotten.

I love my kids. And watching them every day....I pray that they'll always be as happy and carefree as they are right now. I also pray that I can have the strength and the wisdom to be more like them. To let the bad things roll off in a matter of seconds, and to just enjoy the good - to have fun and be silly and just not worry so much. We can take responsibility as we grow older without losing the child inside of us. In a society that's so cynical, it takes a lot of work, but I truly believe it can be done. I'm not there yet, by any stretch of the imagination...but I want to be. I'm trying to be.

We always talk about how our children need to learn from us...and they do. They absolutely do. ...but we need to learn from the children as well. Look at us. Look at them. Who's happier? ...Maybe they've got the right idea.

Theodore Geisel [also known as Dr. Seuss] once said "Adults are just obsolete children - and to hell with them."

I agree.

magic

Roald Dahl said the following:

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

I believe. And I'll never stop searching. I hope you don't either.

A peek at my week...

It's every girl's dream to grow up to become a princess, right? ;)





This week was really long (code word for frustrating) in a lot of ways, but....I have to say, this was the most fun I've had with any of my little onstage things I've done with camp. (For those who are wondering, we did Chronicles of Narnia this week, and my staff and I were the grown-up versions of the kids). It started out as a joke, but the kids loved the idea of us being them...so we went with it! Too fun!

We only have three weeks of camp left, which is insane! Maybe I'll get to breathe a month from now. Maybe.

Update...?

Well...I don't have much time today, so I'll leave you with two thoughts:


Camp is rocking.


Money sucks.




This coming week is my week off, so hopefully I'll be able to say something with a little more substance soon.

Till then!

what do i say?

I'm always really perplexed when it comes to this blog....I feel the desire to write quite often (apparently I just like listening to myself ramble), but I never really know what to write about, or what others would have any desire to read.

So many of my friends write about the fun things they do with their kids, which is GREAT, and I love hearing all the funny stories, but...obviously I don't have kids, so that's out. And I've tried writing about some of my 'family happenings,'...but I guess I just feel like I'm a really boring person in that respect. =]

And I don't want to be someone who just goes to her blog when she wants to vent and complain because, even though it's really therapeutic, it just makes me seem angry and depressed. =P

Plus, I don't want to bother everyone with my drama! We all have enough of our own!

And that leaves me in blogging limbo...I try to think of really important/thought-provoking things to discuss or comment on, but I'm rarely inspired that way. Which may be part of why I don't update very often.

So I suppose I'm here now trying to define what this blog is for me....and I guess I'm still not sure. I think the best description is a potpourri of my thoughts, opinions, events, and the occasional left-field comment.

I'm going to try to not take this blog so seriously, I think...I'll still have those meaningful, philosophical posts, because I can't help it; it's just who I am. But I'm going to remind myself that every post doesn't have to be like that...I think I'll worry less about being insightful and more about just making sure everyone gets a regular splash of Katy in their lives. =]

Hope you enjoy!

chasing the happy

...here I am, 3:30 a.m. at my in-laws, laying on a recliner while everyone else is asleep. I've got Bourne in the dvd player, but I am just not feeling it. And I really want to blog, but I don't have anything important to write about...

So I get on facebook, the ruler of time-wasters that I am eternally addicted to. And pretty soon I come across something that inspires me to write.

Now, I'm really worried about some people taking this the wrong way. So please, hear me out.

I have a friend that has the following as the one and only quote listed under 'favorite quotations' on his profile:

"What do we do, now that we're happy?"

I've actually come across this quote of his a lot as I'm randomly stalking people on the social network, and it always makes me stop and think. Depending on my mood, I sometimes find this a very cynical way of looking at life...but mostly I find it a very provocative line of thought.

Again, please don't get me wrong. I believe that everyone should be happy. Not just sometime down the road, but right. now. If you're not happy, change something. One of the many reasons that we are on this earth and in this life is to find happiness....so find yours. You should always, always, ALWAYS, have happiness in your life.

My point perhaps is that, at least in my own personal experience and the experiences of my friends, even if in the overall scheme of your life, you're blissfully, overwhelmingly happy, there's always something that you might prefer to be a little bit....improved....in your life. Whether it's in relationships, personal or family goals, spiritual needs, financial aspects, career or educational ambitions, 'bucket list' fulfillments...there's always something that could be better.

Say it that way, and it sounds as though we're ungrateful for what we have. And there are certainly people out there that are. That's not how I prefer to see it, though. This is where my brain goes (and maybe I'm crazy, but you're reading this, so that means you're at least somewhat interested in my opinion):

Our lives are, in great part, overwhelmingly motivated by our desires to achieve the aforementioned goals that we have. ...Try to imagine your life if you literally, without exception, had every. single. thing. that you wanted. Maybe you think that'd be great. I think...I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Life is meant to bring us happiness. But it's not meant to be paradise. It certainly sounds wonderful to be satisfied in every aspect of your life, but then....what's the point? To continue to grow and develop as human beings, we need to be reaching for something, working at something, trying to become better people or doing better things. If we suddenly had every single thing that we wanted, we would become complacent, stagnant.

That's not a life I want, even if I dream of, well...all my dreams coming true. I'm of the opinion that it's very difficult (if not impossible) to be an outstanding person if you are a complacent one. And think about it: have you ever known someone who truly had everything they wanted (and reach beyond all the superficial things here. I, for one, have never known someone who wanted for nothing).

Throughout all the joys and triumphs of our lives (and especially through the trials and heartache), we should be continually striving for more. Not ungratefully, but hopefully, eagerly.

So what am I saying, that we should be enjoying the long, hard path to what we're searching for? Ideally, yes. But that is, in fact, an ideal. I think the more important factor is that we just recognize that we're not failing because we don't have everything, we don't do everything, we haven't achieved everything we wanted to. We should all have something to work toward. And hopefully we all have something that makes us extremely happy as we continue to reach for more of our dreams.

So I'll ask it again: "What do we do, now that we're happy?"

I'll let you know when I find out.

frustration

After seven long weeks I've finally been given the okay to slowly begin walking. And by slowly I mean something like this: With crutches, try walking with both legs for five minutes, three times a day. Then build up to 10 minutes each time. Then 15. Then try five minutes without my crutches....

This is good news! So why am I not happy? Siiiigh. I feel like I should be really excited or relieved that I'm making progress, that I should be thanking my lucky stars that I'm not going into the hospital four times a week for physical therapy (or that I was never staying in the hospital at all, for that matter). But I'm not.

Listening to my doctor recite my walking regimen, I could just feel myself get more and more discouraged. "Five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. Three times a day, four times a day, five times." I think my smile faltered a little with each increment.

I don't really know why - you'd think if I was going to be discouraged it would've been when I first fell and found out I wouldn't be able to walk. As I'm thinking about it now, I think I was so wrapped up in everything else that was going on (i.e. the fact that I still had two shows to put on in the next three days), that this whole not-walking thing took a backseat. I know that sounds crazy, and somewhat impossible for that to not be the center of my attention, but....you'll just have to trust me that it wasn't.

And then after the shows...I think the last seven weeks I've done a really good job of not wallowing in self-pity. I think it might be because I've known a lot of people who just blow their own problems way out of proportion and milk them for all the sympathy and perks they can get, and that always drives me crazy. I was determined not to be one of those people. So I tried to go about my day as normally as possible (which, really, became a completely different day than normal, but I still tried to function) and not broadcast my situation to anyone within earshot. I was happy to find I did a good job with that part when just yesterday a cousin of mine noticed on facebook that someone posted asking how I was doing, and she (the cousin) wondered what was going on. That made me smile. I don't know why, really. But I was not going to be one of those people complaining about all their problems on facebook, so I was pleased to know I had kept that promise to myself.

Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent. The people I have interacted with over the last several weeks have been so sympathetic and kind. And they always say "Oh, that must be so awful" or "How terrible, you must be miserable!" ...and I've always responded by just saying that it could have been so much worse. Which it could have, no question. But I think I was more just trying to deflect the question about how I was dealing with it.

Again, I think I've handled this really well. Being on 'bed rest' for three weeks. Sleeping in a recliner. Not being able to use my own bedroom or bathroom or desk. Not being able to drive. Going out in public in a wheelchair. Not to mention the pain. Which, now that I bring it up, was and continues to be intense. But that's not my point.

Maybe last week's experience at the theatre just wore my patience thin, maybe it's the fact that summer camp is only four weeks away but...I'm just done with it now. I guess I've worn out all my tolerance for this situation. Which is why, I suppose, now that I've actually got 'good news,' I'm nothing but irritated. Part of me wants to smack myself upside the head for being frustrated, but....I think I've just decided that at some point during this process, I'm entitled to be mad, and if I want to save it till the end, then that's completely fine. Heh. So that's what I'm doing!

I'll just hope that as I starting 'walking' and actually make some progress I'll get more encouraged. I think that's quite likely. It's also quite likely that I'll just be irritated that I can't run from the stage to the booth in ten seconds. Oh well....

But now, the real downside of being cleared to start walking?

No more motorized scooters at the stores. -_-

a busy week

This past week was a busy one for us! Now that I've been taken off bed rest, I've been trying to go out and about more often. Part of that included heading up to Des Moines to visit Travis's family (we haven't been able to see them since my fall). Of the last eight days, we spent four of them in Des Moines, and it was an awful lot of fun.

Part of our time up there consisted of redoing the family's living room! I had been asked by Travis's dad to spruce up/makeover the main floor of their house, and we started with the front room. We actually got all the work done while Travis's parents were out of town over the weekend, which put us on a REALLY tight deadline, but it was a lot of fun, and really rewarding. This wasn't a complete overhaul - no new furniture or decorations, but I still think it's a dramatic change and am really happy with the results (and more importantly - so is the family!). So, here are the before shots:

And....here are the after shots (with accompanying cute puppies....you'll see)....voila!

Pretty nice, eh? It's amazing what a fresh coat of paint and new drapes can do! Taking down the wallpaper was definitely the worst of the project, but it was all fun once we started painting. I did almost all of that too, which was really nice - it's not often nowadays that I'm able to feel really productive. I did a lot of it from my wheelchair and the rest by standing on one leg, supporting myself with my left arm and painting with my right. Ha! A little tricky but I managed! Clearing out some excess accessories and switching out some furniture pieces also made a HUGE difference. This was a lot of fun for me, and I'm looking forward to starting on a new room this weekend! Woooo!

And as if those intense two and a half days weren't enough, we saw Les Miserables in Omaha on Saturday! Omaha is a three hour drive (one way) for us, so couple that with 3+ hours in the theatre as well as the drive back, and you can imagine I was pretty uncomfortable....I also had an extremely negative experience with the theatre staff...you'd think they'd never had anyone in a wheelchair come to their venue before. All I wanted to do was find a restroom before the show started - we talked to three different ushers, none of whom knew where to send me and they kept shuffling me around. Finally they sent me to the basement to an "accessible" room....which had two pull-open doors - if I had been by myself I never would have been able to get in. Then when we entered the auditorium, there were stairs to get down to my seat. We had called ahead to make sure I would be able to access my seat, and we were assured it would be no problem. They were about to just stick me in my wheelchair way in the back, separate from my family, when they decided I could enter through a different door, wheel all the way down to the front by the stage, and then come back up to my seat. When we tried to go through that other door, we were almost denied access because it was getting close to starting time. And I was close to tears. I'm not sure I've ever been so frustrated and, quite frankly, humiliated (although I do realize that they're the ones who should feel badly, not me). I've never had a worse experience with customer service.

All that being said, the show was wonderful. The music is beautiful and all the actors did an incredible job. Even with the pain and nuisance, I'm very glad we went!

Now I'm just trying to recuperate before the next weekend! Things are starting to really pick up again - it hit me today that camp starts in exactly five weeks, which has me feeling quite overwhelmed (particularly because I'm still in a wheelchair). My last visit to the doctor left me really disappointed, but I'm getting another x-ray in a week, so I'm hoping for better news then. Fingers crossed! I can't be wheeling around the auditorium all summer long!

my list

Everyone has a 'bucket list,' right? For some reason, I don't really like calling it that, but I have been slowly creating a list of my own. And I feel like sharing (or at least part of it; it's pretty lengthy). Some of the items are big, lofty goals, and others are pretty small things - but they're all things that I'd like to do at some point in my life.

Enjoy! And, if you don't already have your own life list, I highly suggest you start one! It's a fun exercise, and I think it really helps you realize what's important to you and what you want from life (even subconsciously, perhaps)...

1. See Billy Joel live in concert (I love the Piano Man!)
2. Visit Sweden (My father was born there; I've always wanted to go.)
3. Live in New York City
4. Write a novel
5. Go to Disney World (That's right, I've never been.)
6. Learn to ski
7. Learn to play tennis WELL (I've got the basics, but I want to become a good player, and then Travis and I will have a way to be active together when we're old and wrinkly. =] )
8. Act again (I'm obviously heavily involved with theatre, but I really do miss acting. Directing is wonderful, but at some point, I want to get back on the stage.)
9. Break 200 in bowling (I haven't bowled for years now, but when I was a teenager I bowled a 193. I'm determined to break that barrier!)
10. Go horseback riding (again) (I went once when I was very young and my horse was being led by an instructor. Ha! I want to really ride.)
11. Learn to ice skate (Yet another ordinary thing that I have never done.)
12. Take up yoga (I've dabbled in it a little, and what I've done I've really enjoy. I want to do more.)
13. Learn to play the harp (I think that would be amazing. And with my string and piano training, I think I've got a head start!)
14. Teach piano lessons (One day, when I'm staying home with kids, I will.)
15. Self-teach the viola (I really loved playing the violin, but if I were to do it all over again, I'd play the viola.)
16. Raise a family (My most important goal.)
17. Learn to really play chess (I've beaten Travis a few times, but I think that was just pure luck!)
18. Become a photographer (I am fascinated by good photography. Not just pictures. Beautiful art that captures a moment in time and shows us something we didn't see before. That's the kind of photographer I want to be.)
19. Release feelings of inadequacy (A lifelong struggle for so many of us.)
20. Buy something from Bloomingdales (Just because!)
21. Have a second honeymoon
22. Be actively passionate about a cause (I'm not sure what it will be yet. But I'm determined to find some service project/cause that touches my soul, and then do something about it.)
23. Be informed and politically involved
24. Go to the Super Bowl (I'm just now becoming a big football fan, but for some reason, it's something I really want to do.)
25. Find The 3 Tomatoes's baked mac and cheese recipe (You may think I'm crazy, but that may be the best food I've ever eaten, and now the restaurant has closed down. But somehow, I'm determined to find it!)
26. Have a (virgin) cocktail party (For funsies!)
27. See a psychic (I don't know why.)
28. Visit Katy, Texas (Yes, there is such a place. Awesome.)
29. Taste fresh pineapple from the Dole plantation (I love fresh pineapple. That is like the Holy Grail of pineapple.)
30. Flip a house
31. Spend months living in foreign countries (Travis and I want to do something like this - go to Europe for a total of about two years; spend 3 months in Italy, 3 in Spain, 3 in France, 3 in Germany, etc. That way we really get to know the area and live more like locals, rather than just spending a week and only doing the touristy things.)

And there you have it! That's my list! Now to get moving...

once again

Hello, blogger world. Oh how I've missed you.

I truly enjoy blogging. I heard somewhere recently that 'blogging is cheaper than therapy.' That little catchphrase is meant to be funny, I'm sure, but there's a certain amount of truth to it. Not only do I blog to keep people updated on my life, but also often to vent my frustrations, dream about my ambitions, and muse about life in general. I like writing, talking, and telling stories. And this is my perfect way to do it without annoying anyone. =]

Which is why, as I said already, I truly have missed this. My job has kept me unimaginably busy for months on end, forcing my hiatus from blogging. Fortunately though, I have a little downtime now, so I'm making it a priority to catch up on my life here (this entry will be pretty short and sweet, and it's really just to get me going again).

Now, I have this downtime for two reasons. The first is because we just wrapped our last performances of the school year and are now in preparations for summer camp (which does actually keep me extremely busy as well, but not as much so as being in session). But the main reason I'm actually able to sit down and write regularly is because I'm on bed rest. And I'm on bed rest because I broke my pelvis the week of the show by falling off the stage 8 feet down into the concrete orchestra pit below. It was quite the event. More on that later.

I'm not very good at bed rest - I've been going pretty crazy not leaving the house, and I simply cannot stay in bed. But I'm finding ways to occupy myself that are pretty low-key. In addition to planning camp, I've learning how to sew. It's something I've always wanted to do, and I'm taking to it quite well, if I do say so myself. I've already made a fabulous little dress and am finishing up a skirt this week. Sometime soon I'll post photos.

So now I'm looking forward to using this time off to get back to something I truly enjoy - writing about my life, thoughts and feelings. I hope you enjoy it too.

I'll talk to you soon...